Zazzle?!?!

Ok. I haven’t been blogging much lately, but right now I feel compelled to vent.

Jenny is setting up a Zazzle shop. Yeah, where you can go online and buy random junk that others think is cute and artsy.

Yep. That’s what she’s doing on our Friday night with no kids. (God forbid we could have sex!)

First, she has to think up a name. I suggested, “Natti’s porn emporium”. Can you imagine the look on your husbands face when he gets the credit card bill????!!!

My next suggestion was Midlifecrap.

She shot both those ideas down.

She liked “Adornyourself”. Wtf?!?! That kinda sucks. Where’s the ha ha factor in that?

Well, she’s still working on the name but it can’t include the words porn or crap.

So, I’m at least trying to make suggestions on what to sell.

She wants to market a shirt that says “I had my balls put on my chest to prevent chaffing.”

Ok, funny. So, I think “she’ll let me help out!! Bonding!!”

Me: how bout a fathers day card that reads “Dad, thanks for staying with mom after she got fat. You’re awesome!”

Jenny: um. No

Me: ok. A shirt that says, “if someone asks you the best way to dump their boyfriend, don’t say ‘in a lake late at night.'”

Jenny: next

Me: bumper sticker?? “Reason has been a part of organized religion ever since two naked people took dietary advice from a snake”

Jenny: I’m not listening to you. I’m making the site PG-13.

Me: “I’d kill fewer plants if they’d scream for food and water like my kids do”. Put that on a coffee cup!!

Jenny: I’m naming the site incriminatingLee. That’s all the input you can have.

Needless to say, she didn’t like when I suggested the password be rimjob69

Therefore, I can’t be held responsible if she goes bankrupt because no one will buy her crap. (but we won’t use the word crap)

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Stories that Jenny can’t tell about her students.

For those who don’t already know, my Jenny teaches 5th grade language arts at a local elementary school.

Some (actually most) of the students come from economically disadvantaged homes. So hearing the stories she tells can really make me scratch my head. All I can think some days is, “That poor kid is gonna end up selling crack by 15”

On the flip side, some of the things her kids do is freaking hilarious.

She can’t talk too much about them… But I can.

All names have been changed to keep me from getting sued!

Jenny: Megan, why do you have chopsticks?

Megan: I was using them to eat lunch.

Jenny: what did you have at lunch that would require chopsticks?

Megan: Pizza

——-

Jenny via a text to me: I was talking to the class and turned to write on the board. When I turned around, Megan had reached into her Mary Poppins bag and was wearing a tiara! Wtf?! Where’d she get a tiara?!?

——–

Jenny: Class… Let me ask a question. My kids at home were talking about Kool Aid last night. We don’t drink it much. Do kids still drink Kool Aid?

Larry: Oh yeah! We always drink it!

Jenny: what’s your favorite flavor?

Larry: Flavor? I don’t know flavor. But it’s gotta be red or purple.

——–

Jenny: Now Jason, I know that talking to Donny may seem ok, but we both know I’m much prettier than he is, so look at me!!

——

Jenny: Eduardo, where’s the proof? When you turn in your work you have to show your proof!

Eduardo: Why?

Jenny: cause when I fail you, I’m gonna hold up my sheet and say, “Here’s my proof as to why he has to stay in the 5th grade.” So you might wanna have something to argue that with!”

——-

Jenny: Ok. I want everyone to write one word describing what it’s going to take to pass the STAAR test.

Andre: Man. I can’t use the word focus. I don’t know what else to say.

Michael: why can’t you use focus?

Andre: FO CUS. Two words. Duh.

Jenny: I give up!

Yay, you have an awesome Internet provider.

I admit, some days I will blog more than once. I think my record was 3 in one day. (I’d have to go back and check)

But, I was having a hectic day that was crushing in on my brain so I needed a “relief valve”.

I subscribe to only a select few bloggers. The reason I do is because at one point, they caught my attention and managed to keep it.

Some come from “Freshly Pressed” but the ones I read the most often, have never seen their posts lifted up for the blogging community to scrutinize.

Why? Am I a “Freshly Pressed” snob? Not at all. But, I’ve noticed that most of the posts that find a place there are either someone’s collection of photography or foodies.

Yes, I love to eat. Yes, I like to see good photography. But, my favorite ones are those where the author has opened up their soul for all the world to see.

The posts that I can see myself as the main character in their story.

The ones that make me laugh, make me smile, make me think or even make me go, “I don’t get it”.

I like reading the folks that are simply having a conversation with a close friend, while others are listening in.

I feel like I am actually getting to know that person.

That being said, I’ve found myself annoyed lately.

I updated my WordPress app a week ago and discovered that I somehow inadvertently subscribed to several new bloggers.

One was ok. One was informative. And one has turned out to be downright annoying.

Yes, I finally went in and unsubscribed. I honestly thought, “I’ll give him a chance. Maybe he’ll capture my attention.”

Nope. All he did was fill my inbox with post after post about food.

In one evening he posted 7 posts in 20 minutes.

I agree. It’s your blog. Write whatever you want, whenever you choose. But, if you have been hoarding posts in your draft box, so you can simply bomb the community at once, you need to get cable bundled with that Internet.

Ok. Maybe I’m a little raw this weekend. It’s Sunday evening and my weekend has been spent moving and auto repairs. Yes, in addition to hauling, lifting and climbing, at one point I found myself under Jenny’s van changing the brakes.

So, perhaps my annoyance with Mr. “Omg, Mexican Coke is awesome!” is nothing more than my own irascibility surfacing.

I doubt he’ll even notice I unsubscribed. Like on Facebook. You have 300 friends one day and notice you suddenly only have 298. But, you can’t figure out who dumped you.

Oh well, as one of my new favorites said just today, “Life is better sorted on sleep.”

Good night, my friends!

My moods in pictures.

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This pretty much sums up how I feel today.

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How I felt yesterday.

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And how I think most days.

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A WTF?!? moment.

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This is my, “I feel your frustration” moments.

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And this is our new house. We close on the 29th.

The past several days have been a roller coaster. I’m running hot and cold. Poor Jenny is just “running”. Actually, it’s more like “pouring”. The house, kids, bills, a conversation with her brother, the weather, Louie, my grumpiness… It seems like she’s been crying over the slightest thing.

So, since I’m at a loss for words, I give you a visual of my emotions.

House hunters guide to realtor speak

Lately, Jenny and I have been looking for a house. We found what we think will be perfect for us.

Yes, it’s a brand new home. We were desperately trying to avoid that, but older homes just aren’t big enough for me, her, 5 full time kids, my wasband (he’ll probably end up living with us off and on at some point), my oldest, her baby (yes, she’s due in July) and a dog and cat.

So, our realtor broke down and took us to look at a few new homes that were just built. The second Jenny walked in, she fell in love. I knew that this would be “home”.

But, getting to the point of finding this place took a lot of hours looking online, driving through neighborhoods, reading ads and walk throughs.

One thing that is just as true today as it was 10 years ago (when I purchased my house in Austin) is that everyone wants to church up their descriptions.

These can be as harmless as calling a carport a “porta carchere”.

Some, however, are blatantly misleading. And because of that, I’ve decided to put together this quick guide to help you muddle through the bullshit. After all, time is money. And why waste time or money on a home that isn’t what you hoped for?

1. With a little TLC, this homes lawn could be majestic again.

Ok. Anything that says, TLC is a runner. Unless you are doing a documentary about lawn restoration or have a nearly limitless landscaping budget, move on. Click the arrow to the next property. Cause in your mind, they want you to see this…

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But what you are actually getting, is this….

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2. Historic home full of original features!

This house was probably a McMansion in it’s heyday. But it’s time has come and gone. “original” in this instance means nothing is up to current building codes and you are about to find yourself drowning in debt.

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3. Lakefront property!

Or any mention of water that doesn’t have a hefty price tag. Afterall, living on the beach ain’t cheap!

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4. Lot’s of extras!

This means you get to haul off the old owners junk. You could leave the moth eaten sofa in the garage for “entertaining” but only if you are current on all vaccines. Including hepatitis.

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5. Fix ‘er upp ‘er. Or even “Handy mans dream”!

This house used to be a meth lab. Walk away! Just turn around and walk away!

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Now, I realize that not everyone can afford to purchase the home of their dreams. But hopefully, this list will help you navigate through the flowery and cut to the meat of the ad.

Happy house hunting!

It’s just toilet paper.

Jenny: Why don’t you change the toilet paper? Is it really that hard to put the new one on the holder?

Me: No. But you’re just gonna change it around anyway so why mess with it?

Jenny: What do you mean I’m gonna change it.

Me: If I put it where it rolls front to back, you’ll change it where it rolls back to front.

Jenny: Oh. Do you prefer it to roll front to back?

Me: No. Doesn’t really matter to me.

Jenny: OMG! Then put it on the damn holder!

Me: Next thing you know, you’ll be wanting me to do everything. Like pick up my own socks or something.

Sexting 101

A typical text conversation between me and Jenny.

Me: psst. I want you!

Jenny: Good! Because if at all possible it’s happening!

Me: Oh, that can definitely be arranged!

Jenny: Did Louie like her dinner?

Me: WTF? We were having a perfectly good sex talk her and now you’re asking about Louie’s food?

Jenny: I thought the same thing after I did it. I thought I must be crazy! I would totally rather talk about sex than dinner! It just crossed my mind because I got on the computer and the recipe popped up.

Me: What are you doing on the computer? Porn?

Jenny: how’d you guess?

Me: I wish your legs were wrapped around me right now!

Jenny: Oh! So do I!! I’m gonna go eat a brownie with some ice cream! Yum!

Me: Omg! Really? Do you have a tapeworm??? I love you

Jenny: I love you too. This brownie is yummy!!