At first I thought I would use this blog to chronicle Julie’s cancer, treatment, prognosis. An effort to possibly comfort or help others.
It would be something like, Day 14. Julie had round 3 of her radiation today…blah blah blah.
That’s not who I am and quite frankly, I hate reading those. A blogger friend documented her journey through this as she cared for her partner who eventually passed from the cancer. It broke my heart and I even found myself crying that they were both going through that.
I will admit; as I stood in the park that Sunday evening, I thought of her. I have thought of her so many times since. The love and devotion that she felt for her wife. The journey that they took, unwillingly, together. The pain.
I have allowed thoughts that are dark and dismal to enter my mind at times. Thoughts of my beautiful wife, frail and scared and me helpless to save her. Today is the first time I have ever seen my wife with truly gray hair.
As I’ve said in the past, she has dark brown, almost black hair that sets off her ice blue eyes. People have suggested that she not color it until after her treatments because if she loses it, it will grow back gray and different, anyways.
I’ve seen the strands of gray that will pop up from time to time on her temple or the crown and always thought they made her look more distinguished.
Truthfully, if she wasn’t going through this, I’d probably think she looked like a wise and beautiful scholar but unfortunately it almost felt like natures cruel way of reminding me that even if we win this battle, I will lose her, one day.
She is still beautiful. She is still the one person who can look at me and tell exactly what thoughts are racing through my head.
Tomorrow I fly to Texas. We have won the contract to oversee the construction of the next section of Grand Parkway in Houston and the pre construction meeting is Thursday.
As I was gathering up my things and packing my suitcase I turned on my iPad to see what books I had that I could read to keep me preoccupied.
I noticed I had three new ones by an author named Mira Gant. All three were about a post apocalyptic world in which zombies had become a day to day occurance and people try to live life in a world they share.
I asked if she had bought them or if maybe one of the kids had asked to borrow our account.
“You’ll just sit on that plane and dwell on this (as she very crudely grabbed her right breast) and it is way too soon for you to be this stressed!”
Then she took my face in her hands, kissed my forehead, grabbed a strand of her now gray hair and said, “This is what you are doing to me!”
We both laughed, I kissed her and thanked her for the books.
They may suck. They may be amazing but my racing mind may not let me absorb what I read. Who knows. What I know is that she knows me and is still trying to take care of my needs.
She tells me, “this is my breast and my lump and I’ll decide when we will worry!”
I smile, agree and silently go back to the place in my mind where some days are better than others, emotionally.
That’s my real fear, you know? Physically, Julie could handle virtually any pain. It’s the emotional damage that everyone will suffer. Fear, anger, hope…the hope is the one I’m trying to desperately hang on to, with both hands!
Today was a good day. Tomorrow she’ll drive me to O’Hare and I’ll board a plane and be gone until Saturday morning.
I don’t know how long we can maintain our current routine, but for now? I just have hope!