I was looking back at some of my old drafts and came across this one. I wrote it at a very dark time in my life. It was right after my break up with Jenny when I couldn’t see past the anger and betrayal. Yes, I still have trouble thinking of her and not being angry and judge mental. But today my life is better on the worst day than it was on the best day when I was with her.
I guess my point is that we all go through darkness. It’s how we manage to find light again that matters.
Some days I feel like I’m stumbling along. No purpose, no drive, no usefulness.
Today is one of those days. My heart, soul and mind are empty. There is a void there that makes me question if I even want to be a part of this life anymore.
Yes, that’s a bit dramatic but there are days that I think, “I’d rather feel nothing than feel pain!”
I’ve said before that I could never commit suicide because of my beliefs. But, I will be honest in admitting that there are days when I ask God to take me.
My heart aches from loneliness and feeling as though I’m not worthy of love. My body aches from years of pushing it beyond its limits and not treating it as the temple it’s supposed to be. My head aches from thinking and over thinking moments, conversations and possible scenarios of a future that doesn’t feel like it’s going to get any better.
I’ve lost my family, my home and friends because of one person’s inability to see the world for what it is and not some fairy tale that lives in books and TV.
I stood in the shower this morning and asked God to take me. I want the pain to end. I don’t want to be alone or angry anymore. I want to be where I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not or live in a world where we have taken on the mentality that it’s ok to hurt others if it is for our own good.
Fuck! I am sick of hearing people say, “I deserve to be happy” as an excuse to hurt or dismiss others.
I’m sick of selfish assholes and cruel douchebags. I’m sick of walking into a coffee shop and feeling the way that others stare and judge. I’m sick of the cruelty and harshness that is everywhere.
I’m just so tired and if this is all that this world has to offer, I want no part of it!