Whirlwind 

I have been extremely lazy when it comes to my blog, here. Not because there is nothing to report, because there is too much!

So much has happened in the short time sense I last posted so let’s hit the high points, shall we?

Work: I have closed on another 3 projects and have spent at least 14 hours a day trying to finalize contracts and schedule inspectors. If the projects were close together, jumping from one site to the next wouldn’t be so daunting. Instead I have one in El Paso, TX, one in Abilene, TX and one in Carlsbad, NM. My options for travel are not ideal. They are all within a 6 hour car drive or I could jump on a plane and fly for one or two hours. Neither is appealing but the airport wins me over every time. 

Then there is school. I decided to take a mini term. Basically I am cramming an entire semester into just 3 weeks. The class started Monday, my first assignments are due Sunday evening and I have yet to even look at the text. Mistake? Possibly but I will figure it out!

Julie. My beautiful wife and I bought a boat! Actually, it would be more accurate to say she called and asked if we could buy a boat, I gave a noncommittal, “sure. That might be fun” response and came home to a 19′ Glastron sitting in the driveway. She was happy so I was happy! 

Then there is C. Will she just go the fuck away already?!?!  She is now working as a Sheriff Deputy in the same office that her partner worked at. Hell, the same office that her partner DIED at. She called me the other night. I didn’t really want to talk to her but it’s been a while so I thought I’d see how she is. She was an ass. 

She has this way of talking down to people now. A pseudo sense of superiority. Almost a bullying attitude that, coupled with her excessive use of profanity, has a way of making any conversation unpleasant. 

She has an online dating profile and I was hoping that and her daughter’s upcoming graduation would cause her to lose interest in me and my affairs entirely. I mean, I travel to New Mexico several times a month and have never been approached to meet for coffee or drinks, since I last told her I wasn’t comfortable around her. So why she pops up from time to time, is a mystery. 

Julie had finally had enough. Unbeknownst to me, she sent her a message on Facebook. She wanted to make sure C knew that it was her and she also wanted proof that she had read the message. 

Basically Julie told her off. Asked her in a direct, yet professional way to leave us alone. She expressed her sympathy for her loss but explained that even though her communications are sporadic, they are intrusive and unsettling. 

Haven’t heard from C since. Funny, I had my little wife handle my bully for me. Haha. 

Today I’m at home and after we make a quick trip to the store, I have 8 chapters to read and report on by midnight tomorrow. 

Hope that everyone has an amazing weekend! 

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Tired 

I was looking back at some of my old drafts and came across this one. I wrote it at a very dark time in my life. It was right after my break up with Jenny when I couldn’t see past the anger and betrayal.  Yes, I still have trouble thinking of her and not being angry and judge mental. But today my life is better on the worst day than it was on the best day when I was with her. 

I guess my point is that we all go through darkness. It’s how we manage to find light again that matters. 

Some days I feel like I’m stumbling along. No purpose, no drive, no usefulness. 

Today is one of those days. My heart, soul and mind are empty. There is a void there that makes me question if I even want to be a part of this life anymore. 

Yes, that’s a bit dramatic but there are days that I think, “I’d rather feel nothing than feel pain!”

I’ve said before that I could never commit suicide because of my beliefs. But, I will be honest in admitting that there are days when I ask God to take me. 

My heart aches from loneliness and feeling as though I’m not worthy of love. My body aches from years of pushing it beyond its limits and not treating it as the temple it’s supposed to be. My head aches from thinking and over thinking moments, conversations and possible scenarios of a future that doesn’t feel like it’s going to get any better. 

I’ve lost my family, my home and friends because of one person’s inability to see the world for what it is and not some fairy tale that lives in books and TV. 

I stood in the shower this morning and asked God to take me. I want the pain to end. I don’t want to be alone or angry anymore. I want to be where I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not or live in a world where we have taken on the mentality that it’s ok to hurt others if it is for our own good. 

Fuck! I am sick of hearing people say, “I deserve to be happy” as an excuse to hurt or dismiss others. 

I’m sick of selfish assholes and cruel douchebags. I’m sick of walking into a coffee shop and feeling the way that others stare and judge. I’m sick of the cruelty and harshness that is everywhere. 

I’m just so tired and if this is all that this world has to offer, I want no part of it!