One thing that I truly love about Julie is her ability to engage the part of my brain that controls my critical thinking. She forces me to look outside the box and see situations from a different perspective.
Have I mentioned that her brain is the sexiest part of her?
Well, I was worried that C would contact me and I’d end up being a complete ass to her. I’m happy to say that yes, she did contact me and, no, I was not. In fact I didn’t really respond at all. One sentence: “I don’t think that.” It was in response to her baiting statement of, “you think I’m ugly, stupid and incapable of love!”
For the record, I have no clue where that came from but I suspect it was an attempt to prompt me to engage in an argument or a way for her to boost a fragile ego. Either way, I wasn’t going there.
Anyways, Julie asked me if I did think C was attractive. Now, I’ve been in enough relationships to know when I’m about to be shoved down a slippery slope! Therefore, I thought long and hard about my answer.
The more I thought about it, the more I found myself in an infinite loop of back and forth, logic twisting with impulse and feelings tangled with reason.
I finally had my answer: “I think that physically she is attractive, but I am not attracted to her.”
This may sound like one of those “no honey, she’s not as pretty as you” statements that too many women have pulled from their mate, but I assure you, it’s not.
I never looked at C as a potential love interest. Even when we first met and it would have been possible to pursue a romantic relationship. I can look at her and see physically attractive features; beautiful eyes, thick, dark curly hair, charming smile. But, we all know that I’m not a “go for the eye candy” type. I prefer a woman who not only stimulates me physically, but one that makes me think, feel and brings out the strongest parts of my character. C just doesn’t have those qualities.
Is she smart? That’s a tough one. It’s hard to go from living with a Ph.D. who is capable of holding a conversation on any topic from Gallois to Kant to finding someone who texts in sentences that have virtually no punctuation or proper spelling.
Example? “U R gonna have to call me. Lost ur number”
That simply drives me crazy! When I receive texts like that my typical response is, “the word is BEFORE, not B4. This is a conversation, not bingo!”
Next, is the constant confusion and iradict behavior that C has exhibited.
I understand that after a tragic loss, a person is confused, scared, angry and lost. That can manifest itself in a lot of ways. I can also concede that some of those ways may not be ideal or healthy for the person exhibiting them. However, it’s hard to just forgive and forget when someone has been so hurtful.
Then there is a lack of direction. When I first met C, she was a veterinarian. Then she started up an online business, then she worked as a hospital administrator. Today? She has decided to be a cop. While I am the first person to say, “chase your dreams and do what makes you happy!” I think that many career changes in just 9 years is a bit ADHD and shows a lack of any true guidance.
At 40, you should have a general idea of what you want to do with your life!
Lastly, her “out of sight, out of mind” attitude. She is notorious for focusing only on the projects and people that are in her immediate “bubble”. In short? She sucks at successfully managing tasks and relationships.
Now, I realize that I sound harsh and that’s not my intention.
Among C’s better qualities is her undying loyalty to her children and family. Her sensitive nature that makes you feel a sense of protectiveness towards her. Her ability to focus on you and make you feel as though you are the center of attention when you are in her “bubble”.
She is completely devoted to her partners and wants nothing more than to have a peaceful, loving home environment.
When I first met my ex, there wasn’t much of a physical attraction. As time went on, I started to become attracted to her. Likewise, when things went bad, I found it harder and harder to find and recapture that attraction.
That’s how it is with C. I can easily see how she could be considered attractive to someone else. The problem is that she doesn’t possess the inner qualities that I find most appealing and therefore I am not attracted to her.
As I explained my theory, Julie sat there listening and smiled. “That makes perfect sense.”
Now, I don’t know if I would have ever thought as deeply about this had she not asked the question, but I love the fact that she has the unique ability of forcing me to think about things that help me realize just what makes me, me!