“Let someone love you just as you are-as flawed as you might be, as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”
I loved this the second I read it and I often pull it up and remind myself of the message behind it.
Like most people, I allowed fear to stop me from doing so much. I postponed going back to school because I was afraid I was too old. I avoided certain social situations because I was worried I was “too gay”. I even passed up on the opportunity to date certain women for fear of being rejected because of some perceived defect.
When Julie and I reconnected, I was terrified. In my mind she had never aged. She was still this young, fit, beautiful girl. My fear was that she would take one look at me and only see an out of shape, aging dyke and be horrified.
When I discovered that she had earned her Ph.D. and was a successful academic, I worried that she’d see me as a glorified, big dumb construction worker.
It’s funny how we can be so brutally critical of ourselves and still manage so much hostility towards others that do the same.
Think about it: how many times has someone pointed out a flaw that you have been self conscious about and it outraged you? They were doing exactly what you do to yourself but it angered you. Kind of ironic, huh?
When I first saw Julie at the hotel, I noticed a few gray hairs and fine lines around her eyes. I was reminded that she has naturally curly hair that becomes a frizzy mess when there’s too much humidity in the air. I was reminded that she isn’t perfect.
While I was growing older and taking less care of my personal health, she was too. How about that?
When she first suggested we meet, I almost said no. Shit! Can you imagine how different my life would be if I’d have allowed my own insecurities to stand in the way?
I’m imperfect. I’m flawed and fallible. I’m a complete fucking mess some days and others I’m on my game! I’m human.
I am waiting for my Uber to come get me so I can go home and see my girl. My wife. My best friend and the most imperfectly perfect woman I’ve ever known!