As you know, I’ve been struggling with how I want to handle my friendship with C. She is moody, and unpredictable. One day she is chatty and happy, the next she treats me as if I’m the most loathe some person alive.
Tonight I met with an old friend of mine. We served in the Army together and I always regretted not staying in touch with him.
As we had a few too many beers and told a lot of old stories, he mentioned one NCO that he served with. He detailed how the two of us were damn near clones of one another. Similar disposition, the same ambition, pride in the fact that we were soldiers. He said we even had the same “provider protector” mentality. Even our look was the same. He went on to describe her and I had to laugh at how truly alike we were.
The Army fosters certain types of people. We all have the same basic qualities and traits but some of us are just “built” a certain way.
At one point he called her by name. It caught me by surprise and I asked him if he knew where she was now.
She passed away almost a year ago. She was a cop in New Mexico and died of a blood clot.
I just sat there. Silent. Quietly taking in what I’d heard. When he asked what was wrong, I told him about C and all the drama that has been going on between us.
I’d never met her partner. I’d seen photos and heard C talk about her but never met her when she was alive.
He looked at me and said, “Having you around is probably a constant reminder that M is gone.”
I’d never thought about it before. It never dawned on me that she probably looks at me in a different light now because of what she’s been through.
I didn’t explain my meeting tonight but simply sent C a text that said, “I think I’ve been unfair to you. I’m sorry.”
She hasn’t responded but that has become the norm for her.
I don’t know if this is really what has caused this riff between us but I could definitely see how it probably doesn’t help.
I think I’m going to separate myself from her life for a while. At least until she has had more time to cope with things and silently wish her well.
I think it will be best for us both.