The mind is a trap

This is the conversation I had with my friend, Anita, these past several days through im.

She seems to have latched on to the notion that C is worth holding on to and doesn’t really want to hear my “excuses” for letting go of her and putting her pain behind me. I think it has more to do with Anita’s own feelings of loss because she can empathize with C. She lost her husband to a car accident several years ago.

Anita: “What’s this I hear about your ex being snotty?”

Me: “Nothing really. Someone is trying to stir up shit, I think.”

Anita: “How is C?”

Me: “I dunno. Haven’t heard from her in a couple of days.”

Anita: “Did you ask what I told you to? Did you ask her, ‘C, what is going on with you?’ Or did you get crabby with her again?”

Me: “Yes, Anita. I asked it exactly like that. She hasn’t responded. She’s either back in her pissed off selfish mode or she’s incredibly busy”

Anita: “No. I think a question like that requires some seriously deep thinking.”

Me: “with all due respect to C, I don’t imagine she’s doing any real deep thinking about anything right now. I see her more running on auto pilot just allowing whatever emotion is in control to take over.”

Anita: “You don’t give her enough credit. Text her and just say hi!”

Me: “I’m sorry but, I don’t want to. If she is busy, she will reach out to me when she can. If she’s in her funk again, I’d prefer not to be in the line of fire when she has another complete meltdown.”

Anita: “Fair enough. Give her a week. Maybe get away from all craziness for you too. She’ll come around.”

Me: “get away from all craziness? Does that mean I can take a break from you?!”

Anita: “funny. Don’t give up on her!”

The reason I’m writing about this is simple. C is a fucking mess. She is putting on that front to make everyone think she’s doing great. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty certain she’s also trying to initiate a romance with a mutual friend of ours. (Did I mention her partner has only been gone 6 months?). While I still insist that I am no expert on her emotions, the meltdown she had at Christmas and Thanksgiving is an indication to me that jumping in the sack might do damage to yet another friendship.

Anita has a big heart. She does agree that C should wait at least a year but not out of respect but for healing purposes. Get through that first Christmas, Thanksgiving, anniversary, birthday and of course the 1 year mark of her death. Get through all the “firsts”. First time in many years that she’s had to face these things alone.

Me? I can sympathize with C. Feel sorry that she is still in pain and confused. But..I can’t worry about her, right now.

That sounds harsh, but it’s where I’m at. Emotionally drained and frustrated.

In all honesty? If I keep pushing and she pushes back..I’ll turn my back on her forever. She’ll be another of those people that hurt me badly enough that I did give up on them. Forever.

That..well, that I don’t want.

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