Today in Beaumont has been cold and rainy so I’ve spent a lot of time in my head. That leads to me spending a lot of time on here.
I just got off the phone with Julie. It’s funny that after all this time we still have to say good night and good morning each day. It’s a ritual we started in high school and whenever we have been in each other’s lives, we continued it.
We were talking about why the two of us seem to be doing well, as a couple, considering the separation between us.
Truth be told, there has always been a small part of me that is terrified that actually living together will push us apart. However, I have been pleasantly surprised at our natural way of morphing back into a single unit when we are together!
Tonight we discussed what things worked in our past relationships and what didn’t. That comparison helped me to also see that I have been subconsciously sabotaging each relationship I’ve had. Never allowing anyone to take up too much space in my heart.
Don’t get me wrong. I have loved, but never unconditionally and at times it became more of a default emotion than anything else
Julie and I have a lot in common. We both struggled with a family that didn’t accept who we were. We came to terms with our sexuality fairly early in life. We were strong and independent enough to be willing to risk the safety and security of our lives to be who we were.
We are athletic. We enjoy being with friends and family. We have similar hobbies and we respect the fact that the other person has activities they enjoy doing alone.
One of the things I had a bad habit of doing was resenting the women I was involved with after a while. I would find myself in that temporary state of lust and infatuation and I would dismiss my internal tug telling me it wouldn’t work.
My ex, for example. When we first met I was fit and active. I enjoyed running and biking. I would work out and took pride in my appearance. She was more comfortable doing leisurely activities. She would blog, play video games and watch Netflix. The most active thing she ever did was walk the dog around the block.
While that’s not a knock to her, it wasn’t who I was/am.
In the beginning, I told myself that was ok. I could do my thing and she could do hers. But, that’s not what happened.
As time went on I stopped caring about my health and body. I fell into the attitude that if she didn’t care that I was gaining weight and losing my stamina, why should I? Healthy meals of lean protein and green vegetables were replaced by starchy, cheesy plates of heavy meals that she enjoyed.
One day I woke up and realized I weighed more than I ever had. Even worse, I was past 40 so it was harder to shed those pounds!
If the AMA doesn’t acknowledge the fact that laziness is a communicable disease, then I’ve lost all respect for them!
My hope had been that after the new wore off, my ex and I would either start doing activities together or I would start doing them again on my own.
Once we moved in together, that became impossible. Running here and there to deal with work, kids and her school obligations left little to no time for “me”. It didn’t leave any time for her to do what she wanted either.
I grew to resent the fact that she had summers off. In the beginning, I insisted that she not take a summer job. We made a decent living and she became a teacher to spend time with the kids.
In my mind I envisioned her taking them to the zoo, museums or parks. I thought time with the kids meant activities and quality time. Instead it was more of what happened during the regular school year. Her reading or watching tv while the kids played video games or played on the computer.
Before her, was my ex SIW. She was energetic, alright. But, it was a “look at me!” type of energy. Always having to be the life of the party. Kids came second to friends and parties.
With her, I wasn’t as aware of her lifestyle as I’d been with my most recent ex. She told me about her kids. Detailed her love and devotion to them. Explained that her plan was to see them graduate and head off to college. By the time I realized that was bs, I was already in the mud.
With Julie, all these things are different! We are more “partners” than any partner I’ve had before.
We work together. On bills, house work, family obligations (I’m helping her dad install cabinets this weekend) and work.
We both travel so that means being flexible with pets, vehicles, even time together.
We make sure to meet in the middle. Nothing is decided that we haven’t both discussed.
Issues with family, friends, co workers all seem silly and insignificant because we handle them together.
She doesn’t say, “it’s my family, I’ll deal with this!” Instead it’s, “how should WE deal with my family?”
There is no definite me and her. There is only “WE”!
I am very, very happy to be a part of WE again!