This morning I took a few hours of personal leave to wrap up some errands before school starts back up next week.
Trip to the bank, bookstore, groceries, etc.
While I was sitting in the lobby of the bank, I came across an article titled, “Why men should date women that make them better people.”
I thought the title was a little redundant. After all, does anyone really need to be told WHY they should date someone that improves their life?
Needless to say, the article was more of a laundry list of qualities to look for in a partner. It got me to thinking. What qualities does Julie possess that makes her “ideal” for me. What traits have I noticed didn’t work for me in the past?
1. Find someone that makes you smile.
We hear that you need someone that can make you laugh but sometimes, that’s not possible. Life gets hard. Bills, kids, exes, family, work…all the things have a way of pushing our buttons. Laughter may not be possible all the time.
My ex once asked me, “promise me you’ll make me laugh everyday.”
Towards the end of our relationship, just mustering a kind word was virtually impossible. Laughter wasn’t even a thought.
A smile, however, is very doable.
If I’m having a bad day, Julie can sit down next to me, lay her head on my shoulder and not say a word. Within seconds, I’m smiling. That’s something that I need to look forward to.
2. Find someone with different hobbies than you.
As lesbians, a lot of times we fall into that trap of feeling like we have to be surgically attached to our partner. Not only is it healthy to spend time apart, it’s healthy to do so with your own friends doing something that is exclusively yours.
Julie plays golf. She loves it. If she could, she’d be on the course every day.
Me? I could take it or leave it.
It’s not uncommon for her to announce, “I’m going to get 9 holes in with Deb before brunch” as I sit and drink coffee.
Individuality is important!
3. Find someone intelligent.
Now, intelligence does not necessarily mean highly educated. I’ve been with women who had degrees from some impressive Universities and all I could think was, “how the hell did she graduate??”
Likewise, I’ve known women who never went to college and they were capable of holding the most thought provoking conversations.
An intelligent woman will force you to see things from a different perspective.
4. Find a woman who is confident.
I think Julie is beautiful. I tell her that all the time. But, I don’t need to.
She is confident enough that she doesn’t need my daily affirmations in order to feel important.
5. Date a woman who has goals.
Another thing my ex and I differed on.
She was happy just living day to day. No plans for what tomorrow brings or how to achieve it. Me? I had a dream that I wanted to achieve. I was willing to work towards it.
Why was this a problem?
If she doesn’t have goals, supporting you in achieving yours won’t be important. She won’t be capable of understanding the work required to get to that place you want to be.
6. If you are lazy, find someone else who is lazy.
This could be said as “similar interests” but that’s not nearly as important.
I’d come home from working 10 hours and driving 4 only to find my partner was still sitting on the couch in her pajamas, playing video games.
If you are an active person or one who feels compelled to stay busy, you need someone else with that same mentality.
If you are rushing around, you begin to resent your partner for hanging out all day.
7. Don’t focus on the physical.
I’m in much better shape than I was a year ago. I’m also showing the signs of age more. My point is that the physical part that the world sees will change. There’s no way to stop it. So, don’t jump into a relationship simply because you think she’s “hot”. I guarantee; in 5 years, she’ll look different.
I’m certain I could go on and on with this list, but these are things that I have discovered work best for me!
What are your “must have” qualities?