So I was asked for my opinion/advice on a matter today. The more I think about it while sitting at the terminal, the more I feel I may not have been accurate in my assessment.
A friend was “dating” a woman. Things were going well. They were connecting intellectually, emotionally and physically. The two of them were on their way to having a terrific relationship.
This had been going on for about 4 months.
Then, one day, out of the blue, my friend’s (we will call her B) romantic interest just stopped!
Started ignoring texts, phone calls, even finding excuses not to meet up.
B was confused, hurt and started to find herself bordering on angry.
She begged her crush for an explanation. Wanting to know if she had done or said something.
No responses to her questions.
After a few weeks, she and the crush started to text again. But, those conversations were clouded with a lot of vague comments. B was trying not to be pushy but she still had this nagging feeling that she was being kept in the dark.
Well, late last night, she found out that her crush has been seeing someone else.
She was devastated. This threw her for a loop that she wasn’t expecting.
Her question to me?
“Am I being controlling because I feel like I should have been told?”
I was in a hurry to get to the airport so I just asked a few basic questions.
1. Did the two of you agree to be mutually exclusive?
2. Did either of you suggest that seeing other people would be an option?
3. Have you asked her about this?
The answers were (in order) no, no, no.
My immediate reaction was, “well, in all honesty, if the two of you didn’t have an exclusive relationship, then she was open to see other people.”
I then left for the airport.
As I sit here, though, I have put myself in both situations, mentally.
From the position of B, I too would feel betrayed. Not so much by an act of infidelity, but because I would have been open and honest had I started seeing someone else and would expect the same courtesy.
From the position of the crush, I can only assume she is the type of person who isn’t very good at facing conflict and decided to hide from B until she knew how to respond.
My new opinion? B deserved to be kept in the loop. Playing with people’s emotions and being reckless with their hearts is a slippery slope. Yes, her feelings would have been hurt. But, she would still feel a certain amount of respect for the crush because of that honesty.
How do I know this? I’ve been there. I once pursued a woman and things were going well. About 3 weeks into it, she came right out and told me she couldn’t see us in a long term relationship because of my kids.
I was hurt but I appreciated the fact that she was honest. And, it allowed me to bow out with my dignity intact.
Something that B wasn’t afforded. Her repeated texts asking if she had offended or hurt her crush has her now feeling like the butt of a cruel joke.
As for the crush? If she has so little regard for another’s feelings then B is better off without her.