I’ve mentioned before that sometimes (quite a lot actually), I dream of Julie.
While the dreams are seldom sexual, we are obviously a couple in them. Happy, content, living life together.
Some nights those dreams are so vivid I wake up looking around to see if she’s here with me.
Last night was one of those nights.
I didn’t have to work but with my sleep schedule all flipped around, I wasn’t able to doze off until sometime around 4 am. Just after 11 I woke up looking for Julie.
In my dream there wasn’t anything extraordinary going on. In fact, I can remember watching her trying on a pair of pants. (How’s that for not sexual?? Lol)
It was just us. Living a life together. Talking, laughing, planning our day.
Then she was gone.
I remember this feeling of panic. Wondering where she went. If I’d done something to make her leave. I debated with myself if I should call or text her. In my dream I chose not to. In my dream I wanted to make sure she knew I wanted to give her the space she needed to deal with whatever was going on with her. In my dream I was afraid that by chasing after her, I’d scare her away.
When I woke up, I was in a panic. I felt as if it were real. I texted Julie to say hi and we chatted briefly. I didn’t tell her about the dream because I felt silly and foolish about being so scared of losing her.
I mean that’s pretty much what I get from that. You don’t have to be Freud to figure out that on some subconscious level I’m afraid of losing her again.
About an hour later, I decided to lay back down. I don’t sleep much when school is going on and with this long weekend I’ve decided to simply rest.
When I woke up again after 4 pm, again I was in a panic.
I’d had another dream about her. An extension of the first one. Only this time it was clear that she didn’t want to be around. She was making excuses to leave and be gone for hours. At one point she even told Louie, “hurry up. I need to go!”
This time I called to talk to her. Hear her voice. Listen to her tone and inflection.
The conversation was fine.
“I’ve just been watching movies. I found a townhouse that I think we’ll like. I sent you the link. Did you log out of Amazon Prime? I can’t log on.”
Typical conversational stuff.
I decided to tell her about my dreams.
Saying it out loud to her made me feel even more silly. But, I had this knot and I felt like I needed to get it out.
She laughed and apologized. (She apologized for her imaginary behavior in my imaginary world! Lol)
Reassured me that she’s not going anywhere. Reminded me that living apart is just as hard for her and she has these dreams too.
Whatever brought on my moment of insecurity, I wish it wouldn’t happen.
I love dreaming of her. She’s right here with me and even though it’s not real, for that brief moment we’re together.
Dreams like these, I can do without.