Why do you make it so hard?

“I don’t get it. Why don’t you just find someone here?”

These words have been said to me on more than one occasion. Always by a straight friend. Always by someone who is living happily with their “soul mate”.

I try to explain that when Julie and I reconnected, I was under the impression that she was happily married. I knew that continuing to communicate with her could stir up old feelings that I thought I had buried, hence, my distancing myself. When she took the lead and was calling and texting me, that irrational side took over.

I liked feeling as though I was interesting. As though she wanted to reach out to me. It was harmless as long as I never forgot that she was “out of bounds”.

The day she fessed up and told me she was divorced, I still tried to keep my emotional distance. Anyone who has read this blog knows how I tried to always remember this was going to be hard and might fail.

One day, I had to face the reality. I was in love. It was scary, and exciting. It was something that was going to pose more challenges than I thought I was prepared to face. And I had no idea how she felt. If my feelings were one sided.

I’ve always said, “love is easy. Relationships are hard.”

I’m living that every day. I love Julie. It’s effortless and natural. It comes as easily to me as breathing.

The relationship part is what’s kicking my ass. The time apart that feels longer each time we are together.

The highs of what can be, followed by the low of what is.

I’m not making this hard. It just is.

In the end, I will come out with one of two life options: 1. I’ll live happily with Julie and it will have all been worth our sacrifice. 2. We will have seen that our time at a life has passed and our time together was beautiful.

Either way, it’s a win win. Of course my preference is the bigger win!!

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