Some days I feel so out of control that I just want to scream.
Others, I feel as if the Universe is staging this beautiful play and I’m the main character.
It’s the chaos that gets to me.
So many people in this world thrive on it. The drama, the disorder, the craziness.
For me, I stopped allowing those things in my life, but every once in a while they come bursting in. When that happens, I take a deep breath, and keep moving.
Then there are the moments when I feel helpless. Out if control. As if there’s an order to things that isn’t being followed.
This whole waiting. I lay in bed and think about what life can be like with Julie. I walk through my days wondering if today is the day I get the perfect job offer or if my happily ever after will be put on hold indefinitely.
The things I have no control over.
To be so deeply in love with someone that they occupy almost every minute of my thoughts scares me. At the same time, it exhilarates me to no end.
To have found someone (again) that I want to make happy. Even at the expense of my own, momentary, happiness. To know that there is someone that I love more than I love myself.
If I were still a reckless twenty something, I’d turn my back on everything and everyone and grab this life. But, I’d face the consequences later.
It’s funny that I’ve spent my entire adult life running away and here I am taking my time to run to.
What’s the worst that could happen?
You have no idea how many times I’ve thought that to myself. I found myself thinking it last night. This morning. Even now.
The worst? I could lose her. Forever this time. I could rush in and put so much pressure on her and us that it would be overwhelming.
So, I sit and silently scream in my mind.
Hoping and praying that the Universe will calm my thoughts and fears.