I have a confession to make. Well, not really a confession but more of an admission of my own personal selfishness.
I was talking to J Will today about Julie’s doctors appointment. I explained to her this weekend just how scared I was at the possibility that my beautiful girl could find herself going through chemo, radiation, etc.
The idea of her suffering like that and me being helpless to take away her pain made me cringe. But, the more I thought about it the more I realized that some of my thoughts were motivated by my own selfishness.
I don’t want to lose her.
It’s just that plain and simple. I don’t want her to decide she doesn’t love me, I don’t ever want to wake up and decide I no longer love her and I sure as hell don’t want her to be taken from me by some cruel, useless disease.
I follow a blogger who is facing the exact thing that Julie and I were fearing. I read about her struggles from day to day but I can clearly see that she would gladly take her partners place if it meant easing her pain. I also can tell she doesn’t want to live a life without her wife by her side.
On Thursday night I sat in my bedroom and started to pray. The words weren’t coming. I couldn’t find a way to ask for what I wanted. Sounds silly, right? I want Julie to be healthy and live a long, happy life. But, for some reason I had this part of me that felt like asking my unseen guide for anything was an act in futility.
I finally caught myself becoming angry. “Why would she be brought back in to my life just to be ripped away again? Only not because of my actions but because of no fault of anyone?!”
I want to be with her! I want her to be healthy and vibrant. I want to be by her side from now on. Cancer makes that an impossible dream!!
I’m ok with the idea that I will probably go before her. I smoked for years. I have a dangerous job. I lived a reckless and destructive life for decades. I’m the one that’s supposed to leave this world first. And I prefer that!
Because losing her the first time tore me apart inside. If I lose her again, I don’t know that I could survive.
So yeah. I was/am selfish.
I don’t want to face this big, scary, ugly world without her. I don’t want to make decisions unless I’ve had her input. I don’t want to roll over in the middle of the night and realize that she’ll never be next to me again. I want to be responsible to and responsible for her!!
I hated the idea of her being afraid and the notion that treatments could cause her pain and suffering. I’d rather chew off my own arm than have her endure that. But I would be there.
I even told her. I could put school on hold. Take one of the jobs I was offered at a substantial pay cut and move up there. Now. Today! Take care of her and be by her side.
The rational side of her told me not to but she admitted that if we had received bad news, that’s exactly what she would want.
So I’m admitting my own personal flaw. My greedy little side that wants to always feel love and passion from this one particular woman.
Does this make me a shitty human being??