I’ve blogged once today but I am sitting at the apartment, scouring the “want ads” and trying to put my finger on why I feel less motivated than usual and even a bit melancholy.
The problem with trying to be self aware, is that sometimes you dig deep enough that you find those disturbing little thoughts that cross your mind occasionally, but tend to get pushed back to a dormant spot.
Today I have dug up one of those thoughts/concerns/fears/emotions. And quite frankly, I wish I hadn’t.
I’m a plan B type person. I like knowing that if life throws me a curve ball, I have something to fall back on. A safety net. But, because of that, I usually allow myself to get worked up over things that aren’t a big deal.
Jenny and I are buying a house together. I’ve never done that. I’ve lived with 2 other women, owned a home by myself and had various intimate relationships in the past. Buying a house with someone is HUGE!
I’m not worried. From the first time I held her hand, I knew hers was the only hand I wanted in mine. I’ve always known that I don’t want to wake up next to anyone else, and wouldn’t like not being next to her when I go to bed.
She is the best part of me. I can be abrasive, crude, cynical and loud. I can be judgmental, hostile, argumentative and stubborn. I can be an ass.
But because she was brought in to my life, I try to be more forgiving, less intolerant. I try to see things from another’s perspective. I want to be more nurturing and trusting and less “hot headed”.
Finding someone that is happy with you just as you are is hard enough. But I truly feel I’ve hit the lottery. I not only found someone who loves me for who I am, but someone I want to become a better person, because of. That is a one in a million find.
As we embark on our life together, we are combining our home, merging our children’s lives, introducing old friends with new. We are planning our wedding. What we will wear, where it will be, who will play what roles and who is invited. We are becoming one.
My family sees this and is happy for me. Her wasband sees this but is cynical, to the point of almost being a bully some days. Her family? They haven’t got a clue.
That’s where my fear comes in.
As any logical couple with children, we’ve discussed our wishes in the event something should happen to one of us. “What if I’m in a car accident?” etc.
My family knows that Jenny would make those decisions. That if I don’t trust her to be my eyes, ears and mind; I wouldn’t share my children and home with her.
Her family? Nope. They don’t even acknowledge my existence. Normally I’d be ok with that. They have been so cruel in their alienation of her, I doubt I’d want to associate with any of them.
But what if something does happen? Will I be shuffled off to another area because I’m not family? Would I be told that they will make decisions on her behalf because “they know best”?
To them I’m even worse than a stranger. I’m less than human. I’m gay and I am preventing Jenny from being the good Christian girl they raised her to be.
They say, “we don’t want to know. We don’t want to hear about that part of your life.” But, by doing that, they are slowly losing sight of who Jenny is. They don’t know what’s in her heart or mind.
Her wasband is getting married. They will be losing him, to a certain degree, as well. But, as I told my beautiful girl, “They made that choice. They chose to have a relationship with him instead of you. The possible consequence was that he’d meet someone else, and move away from your family and towards his new one.”
I firmly believe that. They chose him. Jenny didn’t ask anyone to choose. She (and I) have always been ok respecting their wishes to play don’t ask, don’t tell. But they took it farther.
If this goes on for years, how far from Jenny will they pull? Are they so deep into their own ideals that they would have the audacity to come in and try to take away my right to be by her side when she needed me? Probably.
I’ve seen this same scenario play out too many times. The biological family believes they are more capable of making decisions towards the welfare of the family member they’ve discarded, than the person that family member has grown to love and trust.
It’s scary. It’s confusing. It’s probably not even worth worrying about. But what if?