What if?

I’ve blogged once today but I am sitting at the apartment, scouring the “want ads” and trying to put my finger on why I feel less motivated than usual and even a bit melancholy.

The problem with trying to be self aware, is that sometimes you dig deep enough that you find those disturbing little thoughts that cross your mind occasionally, but tend to get pushed back to a dormant spot.

Today I have dug up one of those thoughts/concerns/fears/emotions. And quite frankly, I wish I hadn’t.

I’m a plan B type person. I like knowing that if life throws me a curve ball, I have something to fall back on. A safety net. But, because of that, I usually allow myself to get worked up over things that aren’t a big deal.

Jenny and I are buying a house together. I’ve never done that. I’ve lived with 2 other women, owned a home by myself and had various intimate relationships in the past. Buying a house with someone is HUGE!

I’m not worried. From the first time I held her hand, I knew hers was the only hand I wanted in mine. I’ve always known that I don’t want to wake up next to anyone else, and wouldn’t like not being next to her when I go to bed.

She is the best part of me. I can be abrasive, crude, cynical and loud. I can be judgmental, hostile, argumentative and stubborn. I can be an ass.

But because she was brought in to my life, I try to be more forgiving, less intolerant. I try to see things from another’s perspective. I want to be more nurturing and trusting and less “hot headed”.

Finding someone that is happy with you just as you are is hard enough. But I truly feel I’ve hit the lottery. I not only found someone who loves me for who I am, but someone I want to become a better person, because of. That is a one in a million find.

As we embark on our life together, we are combining our home, merging our children’s lives, introducing old friends with new. We are planning our wedding. What we will wear, where it will be, who will play what roles and who is invited. We are becoming one.

My family sees this and is happy for me. Her wasband sees this but is cynical, to the point of almost being a bully some days. Her family? They haven’t got a clue.

That’s where my fear comes in.

As any logical couple with children, we’ve discussed our wishes in the event something should happen to one of us. “What if I’m in a car accident?” etc.

My family knows that Jenny would make those decisions. That if I don’t trust her to be my eyes, ears and mind; I wouldn’t share my children and home with her.

Her family? Nope. They don’t even acknowledge my existence. Normally I’d be ok with that. They have been so cruel in their alienation of her, I doubt I’d want to associate with any of them.

But what if something does happen? Will I be shuffled off to another area because I’m not family? Would I be told that they will make decisions on her behalf because “they know best”?

To them I’m even worse than a stranger. I’m less than human. I’m gay and I am preventing Jenny from being the good Christian girl they raised her to be.

They say, “we don’t want to know. We don’t want to hear about that part of your life.” But, by doing that, they are slowly losing sight of who Jenny is. They don’t know what’s in her heart or mind.

Her wasband is getting married. They will be losing him, to a certain degree, as well. But, as I told my beautiful girl, “They made that choice. They chose to have a relationship with him instead of you. The possible consequence was that he’d meet someone else, and move away from your family and towards his new one.”

I firmly believe that. They chose him. Jenny didn’t ask anyone to choose. She (and I) have always been ok respecting their wishes to play don’t ask, don’t tell. But they took it farther.

If this goes on for years, how far from Jenny will they pull? Are they so deep into their own ideals that they would have the audacity to come in and try to take away my right to be by her side when she needed me? Probably.

I’ve seen this same scenario play out too many times. The biological family believes they are more capable of making decisions towards the welfare of the family member they’ve discarded, than the person that family member has grown to love and trust.

It’s scary. It’s confusing. It’s probably not even worth worrying about. But what if?

The final countdown.

Tomorrow we close on our new home. Jenny and I are both nervous and excited. Having a place big enough for everyone will make things so much easier and more comfortable.

But a bigger house, sometimes comes with bigger bills.

The logical side of us says, right now we’re paying a combined 4800 a month on rents, utilities, groceries, etc. The new house is half what our two rents are. We’ll only have one electric bill, 1 cable bill, 1 water bill.

The nervous and conservative sides of us say, what if one of the cars breaks down? What if a huge medical bill comes up? What if?

Today is the final push to finish up at my house so tomorrow after we close we can start moving stuff over. Then, we have until mid march to get the apartment packed up and moved.

The apartment manager has said she will try to rent the apartment out at the rate we’re paying now and we only have to pay $100 to do that. Otherwise we may have to pay rent here while living in the house for 2 months.

It might get tight. It may get scary. But I can’t help believe that God wouldn’t have allowed all this to happen so smoothly and quickly if it weren’t meant to be.

I’m no butcher!

Today I am processing chickens. Yes, you heard me right. I have to kill them, pluck them, gut them and then clean and vacuum seal them.

I’ve never done this before, so about 2 weeks ago I started reading blogs about it and watching videos. They all say the same thing. “it’s easy!

They are lying bastards, my friends.

First off, let me say that I do not take the idea of killing anything that is not suffering, lightly.

I have 23 to process. 5 are supposed to go to a buyer that bought them at the livestock show and the others belong to us.

The first step, obviously, is to kill the chicken. Holding them upside down and slitting their throat is the preferred method. It not only speeds the death of the chicken, it helps drain the blood out faster.

This is a gruesome task.

I decided to start with 3. They are ones that belong to us so as I’m learning, I’m not damaging the buyers meat.

I get the three home after the unpleasant task of killing them and then begin the “scalding”. You want to soak them in hot water (not boiling. I learned this the hard way) to help loosen the feathers.

Yes, the feathers come off fairly easy while doing this but it is tedious and time consuming.

Then you proceed to open the bird up and remove all the organs.

Again, every video, article and blog said this was easy. Again, they lied!

Chickens breathe like we do. So they have a diaphragm. That is a bitch to get through to clean the bird out. and don’t even get me started on the lungs!!

After you have “gutted” the bird you then cut off the head and feet. Again, not pleasant.

I am not surprised, but I have managed to ruin 2 of the birds. I feel very disappointed because I took these chickens lives and all I did was learn what not to do.

I’m waiting for Louie to get home. I’m hoping that with some help, and the mistakes I now know not to make, I’ll get the rest of them right.

Btw. For those wondering, yes, I did pray before, during and after I did all this. We all need a little guidance once in a while.

Our moving saga

I am wore out, burnt out, and I can’t seem to give a damn this morning.

I’ve taken Louie to school, fed the animals, and finished all the laundry, dishes and have even managed to get the kitchen and master bath packed up.

In fact all that’s left in the master bedroom is the bed and night stand. The guest bedroom just has a tv and air mattress that needs packed away. And the living room is basically just a catch all for stuff that’s being donated or tossed.

So logically, I’ve gotten a lot done. I was hoping to tackle the garage tomorrow. There’s not much in there so other than the camping gear and what few tools I have, most everything will be thrown away.

Saturday? Well, that’s the day for the lawn and for Louie to finish up her stuff.

Then on Sunday I’m going to clean the carpets and hopefully start hauling the trash off. (that kinda made me sound like one of those people you see on tv that’s knee deep in junk. Lol)

Monday? Well, that’s where the interesting part comes in…. We will be processing the chickens.

Yep. We have to do that ourselves. The buyer that purchased the 5 that went to the show is supposed to get them by next Saturday. With all the moving, cleaning, job hunting, and school stuff, I figure we need to just get it done and might as well do it here so we can haul off the mess with the trash.

It sounds pretty gruesome. And considering we are going to be doing all 23, it might look that way by the end.

But I’ll have everything set up out back, bleach on hand and we’ll have the kitchen here to wash and seal them.

Not looking forward to it. But, it has to be done.

After all that is said and done, I get to take a break. Wait. No I don’t. I have to then go rent the trailer, load it and the truck up and move everything.

I think I’d rather be at work on a construction site. At least there I’d get some rest.

Moving Sucks

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We are moving. Actually, if we are going to be technical about it, we are packing. On second thought, even that’s not accurate. I’m packing so we can move.

There. Much better.

I’m not upset about that. I’m not working, so instead of sitting home all day it makes sense that I’d be the one to pack up.

We are actually moving in “stages”. First the house. Louie and I don’t spend much time there and I’ve given notice to my landlord so on the 3rd of March, we can officially “vacate the property”.

Since we close on the 29th of February, it’s perfect timing.

I want to have the entire house packed up and ready to go by the 1st. By the 3rd, I’d like to have all the cleaning and lawn stuff done so the new tenants can just move right in.

The apartment will wait until spring break when Jenny is off work.

See, we weren’t planning to be able to close as quickly as we did, so we will be paying rent on the apartment until May. That sucks, but being able to consolidate the two households will make the peace and quiet that we’ll have well worth the money.

Today I did my usual routine. I got up, took Louie to school then to the apartment. See, I was at the house late packing, so Louie and I slept there.

It’s the first time I haven’t slept in the same bed with Jenny in months. And to be honest, I didn’t like it. But, I digress.

A while back we went ahead and had the Internet and cable turned off at the house since we weren’t ever there to use it. So after dropping off Louie, I went to the apartment to do my daily job search. Submitted a resume (there was only one job posted that was in my field) and then took care of the pig.

Then I came back to the house to start packing. (I guess resume would be a better phrase)

I’ve been diligently at it since 9 this morning. Now, at almost 1, I feel exhausted, there’s shredded paper and Knicks knacks scattered everywhere. Boxes stacked chest high in every room and laundry continuously going.

Progress? Right?

I’m sure it’s progress. But right now it just looks like a giant mess. And everywhere I look I see more stuff to pack.

I remember when I moved from my apartment to here. The packing took a week, the unpacking took a weekend.

But in the end, I’m beginning my new life with Jenny.

I’m excited, exhausted, hungry and impatient.

I’m grateful, on one hand, to be able to get so much accomplished during the days; but frustrated that I haven’t found a job yet.

I know. All things in due time. I just wish God would jot down his schedule for my life inMY datebook once in a while.

For now? I’m starving. Starbucks is not real sustenance and I should probably eat.

Fingers crossed. We have a great home, terrific kids and each other. Now if I could find a job that makes me happy and pays the bills, life would be perfect!

Crazy days and crazy nights!

We are moving. We are closing on our house the 29th and there’s a lot of excitement. There’s also a lot of tension.

Jenny and I don’t agree on certain things. She wants stainless appliances but I’m ok with just solid black. I want a new, comfy chair to call my own. She thinks that can wait. New, bigger house also means we need to have rules for the kids to follow. We don’t agree on all those either. But, we are getting there.

I still don’t have a job. I’ve had 3 promising interviews, but no word back from any. The last one they told me that construction won’t start until May, so it’s possible I may hear back later. Unfortunately, I can’t hang my hat on that.

So I get up each day and look for work. I take care of the pig that’s left and then try to deal with stuff for the move: transferring utilities, mail, packing, pricing appliances, ughhh!

It’s all exhausting and exciting at the same time.

I’m glad I have this time to off to get this stuff done but I feel like I’m not providing for my family. Yes, I’m getting a check. Yes, I still have medical insurance for me and my kids. But I’m old school. You get up and go to work, every day.

I know God will provide. And I know that things don’t happen when I want but when I need.

I’m still an impatient little cuss so I’m struggling.

A racing mind is a terrible thing.

This past weekend was exhausting, to say the least. We had the livestock show, Shemp came into town to support Louie and spend some time with her, Jenny and I took care of a lot of errands and chores that we’ve been needing to tend to and the every day hustle and bustle. Yep, we were busy.

Louie did sell her pig. Not as much as she’d have liked to have gotten but at least there’s one less mouth to feed. Literally.

Jenny and I finalized some of the paperwork on the house and are set to close on the 29th of February.

It was an emotional week for Jenny too. Saturday, as we were making trips to different home improvement stores, she decided to call her brother. Apparently he and his wife have an antique piece of furniture that belongs to Jenny and she wanted to see if she could get it when we move.

As I was driving, I noticed that she was crying. When she got off the phone she said that her brother had made comments about her “hiding” her life from her parents. That she didn’t need to flaunt information about her personal life with them but that she should take a “don’t ask, don’t tell” position.

Although he wasn’t intentionally mean to her, it hurt her. And it pissed me off.

I’ve commented on here in the past that she isn’t blogging as much as she used to. She says that its because of our limited free time. But that day she admitted that it was more than that.

She doesn’t want to “offend” any of her family with her blog.

That pissed me off too. They had the audacity to “throw her away” and now they want to dictate what she can and can’t write on her own blog?

Her sister is the most vocal and judgmental. Jenny will defend her family to the bitter end, and that is definitely noble. But, I have no loyalty to these people. It’s not because I don’t see myself as family. It’s because they are so self absorbed in their own personal beliefs that no matter what type of human being I am, I could never be of any value as a person simply because I’m gay.

So, here’s my little note to her family:

Get off the cross. Someone else needs the wood. You act as though you have all the answers and know exactly what is in God’s mind and heart.

You discarded your child, sister and in law. You don’t contact her or acknowledge her existence during times of family significance. You sneak around to interact with her, like some teenager that’s going against their parents wishes.

You tell her “I’ll pray for you” and it is tinged with an air of superiority.

Then you have the audacity to insist that she censor herself in the only forum that she’s ever felt comfortable in.

Yeah, fuck off!
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If your sense of decency is offended because she talks about what we had for dinner, what we discussed while laying in bed on a Saturday morning, or how we plan to celebrate an upcoming birthday, then don’t read her blog! In fact, if her little tid bits sting a little too much, then I’m sure you might want to stop reading what I’ve got to say. I’m not nearly as nice and polite as she is about matters as important as family.

Don’t think that you have the option of dismissing her from your life, then demand that she bow to your wishes. It doesn’t work that way.

She is the sweetest most forgiving person that I’ve ever met. And quite frankly, I believe that all of you are taking advantage of that.

Either be her father, mother, brother, sister, in law, etc. and do what the rest of the world does (simply agree to disagree but love her anyways) or butt the fuck out!

Those are your options. Because you have no right to continue to cause her pain because you have this over inflated sense of morality because you believe that you are “closer to God” than she is.

Now. I have to go get boxes, switch utilities and start packing for our upcoming move. Yes, I said our! We bought a house together. It is where WE will be living with OUR children. So, if you’ll excuse me. I have things to do to ensure that MY family is taken care of before our move.

To the rest of my readers, I hope you have a fabulous day and be good to each other.