Life cycle of the North American lesbian.

DISCLAIMER: This entire post is satirical. So don’t flip out on me!!

With all the talk in the media today about gay marriages, gays raising kids, the whole “immoral” aspect of being a homosexual, I thought I’d share some of MY observations, with regards to gay people. Being a gay people myself, I think I have a unique perspective.

Please keep in mind, some couples are like Jenny and I. They have homes, careers, kids, families and high doses of anti depressants.

We seem to be the exception to the rule. It’s been my experience that MOST lesbian couples fall into one of two categories.

1. The nesters.

The nesters are the typical “U-Haul” lesbians. The scenarios change, but it usually unfolds something like this….
Susan goes out to the local bar with her friends. She meets Karen. It’s love at first sight. They spend the evening chatting, laughing and exchange numbers. At the end of the evening, Karen steals a kiss that makes Susan swoon!!

The next morning they begin a texting quest. Push the “unlimited” package to it’s limits.

They decide to meet that night for drinks and dinner at some trendy, hippy place.

Two hours later, they are both drunk and naked at Susan’s apartment.

They are in love. Yes, it’s only been 22 hours, But feelings like this don’t just happen every day!

They decide its time to cohabitate. (no. It’s probably not a real word, so what?)

The two find the perfect 2 bedroom house for lease in a trendy gay neighborhood. Why 2 bedrooms? For the dogs. You know. The matching adorable pups that they are going to be adopting before the ink has dried on the lease.

Everything is going great for Susan and Karen. Until one morning, Karen leaps out of bed and rushes to the front door. “Baby? What’s wrong?”

“I got a text from Lisa. She’s got a flat and is gonna be late for work.”

Who’s Lisa? Karen’s ex. You know. The one that left Karen to be with Dana. Karens best friend. You know Lisa! The woman that Karen still sends drunk texts to at 3 am telling her what a cheating whore she is.

Ok. That’s something Susan will address. Lisa can change her own tire.

Later that night, Karen comes home to her beautiful, blushing “bride”. Maybe she’s not blushing. Maybe it’s a gin blossom.

See, Susan LOVES tomato juice. With vodka. Hold the tomato juice. How did Karen not see this? I mean they were inseparable for the past 4 days!!

Maybe she is just a little stressed. Ok. Time will fix this.

Let’s fast forward, shall we?

Every 3 days, Susan is changing her relationship status on Facebook. “Married”. “single”. “married”. “it’s complicated”. Do they have a “give it up already” status?? No?? Well, they should.

They are now sleeping in separate rooms. Thank Goodness they were smart enough to get the 2 bedroom.

In 5 months, the lease will be up, they will split custody of the dogs, pack their shit and go their separate ways.

Tomorrow, our lesson plan will be over the “She’s just my friend” lesbians.


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