Yes, I’m fucked up. But…

People sometimes comment on how “sappy” Jenny and I are towards each other. One friend in particular keeps commenting on our Facebook pages that the honeymoon is over and she wants to see a fight.

We do fight. Actually, we argue. We don’t get loud or mean. We never say something we can’t take back and we never go to bed wondering if this was the deal breaker.

The two of us compliment each other so well that it can be a little spooky at times.

She’s calm and forgiving. Loving and gentle. She gets weepy over things that don’t get to most people. But she’s determined and optimistic. She doesn’t think the world owes her anything and doesn’t mind working to give her family what they need, even if she has to go without.

I’m more abrasive. I’m the one with plan ‘B’ when things don’t go as scheduled. I’m just as forgiving but not for the other persons benefit, for mine.
I work hard and don’t mind that a lot of my free time is spent taking care of five kids.

Jenny commented last night that she is happy that when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she can feel me snuggled up against her. I thought that was odd, because it seems natural to me that I would be. I want her to feel loved and protected 24/7. So, of course, it feels like that’s where I’m supposed to be. Plus, I like feeling her next to me when I wake up at odd hours too. So I’ve got some selfish motives myself. šŸ™‚

I am in a drastically different place than I was a year and a half ago. Emotionally, anyways.

Finding Jenny saved me. Literally. I was wasting away trying to separate feelings of anger and resentment towards someone that I once deeply loved.

I’m mentioning this, because hopefully people will understand that the mushiness I express towards Jenny is because I’ve felt the type of love that Ed Hardy said “kills slowly”. And I could never go back to that place after experiencing what I have now.

I dated a woman when I lived in Austin. In fact she was the main reason I moved to Houston. She was beautiful, funny, fun and I was in love. I thought that no one could ever capture my attention like she did. I even told her I’d never love anyone but her. I don’t want to think I lied to her, but prefer to say I hadn’t stepped far enough away from the mosaic to see the big picture. All I could see were the little dots.

In the beginning all I could feel was passion and love. I saw the two of us married and living happily ever after. Then the honeymoon did wear off. One morning I got a call that she had been arrested for a DUI the night before. I can honestly say that day was the beginning of the end. Any sane person would have just packed up and never looked back. But… Well, I was in love.

I felt it was my duty to “save” her. Even if I was saving her from herself.

The drinking didn’t get better, it got worse. The recreational use of pot became an everyday deal, mixed with ecstasy and shrooms. The angry outbursts and violence started appearing. She would slap me when she was “wasted” and one night damn near ripped one of my ears off.

But I made a commitment. So I had to stick it out.

Finally I’d had enough. I found myself sitting in an Al Anon meeting thinking those people would tell me how to “fix” her. They didn’t. What they did tell me was that I didn’t deserve to be anyone’s emotional doormat, no matter how much I loved them.

I began to see her differently. She was no longer as pretty as I’d remembered. Her jokes weren’t funny, they were cruel. She wasn’t fun, she was reckless.

And I was done.

I had dated other women. In fact I’ve had several “dates” and a few steady girlfriends between SIW (we’ll call her self inflicted wound to save her anonymity) and Jenny.

Truthfully, I wasn’t very nice to some of them. It was probably a fucked up way of getting back at SIW that I wasn’t self aware enough to realize.

When I moved to Spring, I decided to forget about any women and just focus on me and my kids. Then I met Jenny. She went and threw a wrench in my grand design.

The first month or so was touch and go. Not because of her, but because of me. I was making her pay for SIW’s sins.

I thought I still loved her. I didn’t want her or even want her in my life. But I thought that my fantasies about her calling or showing up were proof that I was still in love.

Then one day I allowed myself to really “analyze” what it was I was fantasizing about. And it was pretty mean. I didn’t want to wrap my arms around her. I didn’t want to run off into the sunset. I wanted to be as cruel and hurtful as she’d been to me. I wanted her to be in pain too.

That’s when I fully let go. I realized that no matter what she’d done to me, I didn’t want to be “that” person.

Shortly after that was when Jenny and I started dating. We’d become friends and were talking on a daily basis. She had a trip to Kemah coming up for work and I had already decided that this woman was someone I wanted in my life. So I gathered up the courage and asked if she would cancel her plans to car pool with some other teachers and let me drive her. I even told her that I figured if I had her trapped in my truck for 2 hours she’d have to decide if she wanted to date me too.

From that moment on we have been inseparable. I’m not sure when I fell in love with her, but I’m there. I couldn’t tell you exactly why I love her but I do know that I’m not going to give her up or fuck this up.

I was the mom, teacher, cook, maid, driver, date book, nanny to a 42 y/o woman for far too long.

Now I’m the partner to someone that I don’t have to imagine them getting their shit together before our life can begin.

Do I resent SIW? Not anymore. My youngest daughter who once adored her has even let go.

Do I wish her the best and all the happiness she could hope to find? Not really. Yes, that probably sounds cold but it’s not meant that way.

She is no longer a part of my life. I didn’t have children with her and we never shared any real property. The rumors I hear from time to time about her hospitalization for mental issues, ongoing drug abuse and apparently a scam to get on disability actually make me feel sad for her. But none of that effects me. It’s not my mess to clean up and I’m in no place to judge her.

If her life works out, then good for her. If not, then I guess that’s meant to be too.

I’ve grown up. I’ve seen what life could have been like. How hard it would have been and how truly unhappy I was.

Now I see how life is meant to be. There are ups and downs. Good days and bad. But every night I go to bed, wrap my arms around Jenny and tell her at least ten times that I love her.

We are looking for a house and yes, I’m trying to find the perfect ring. We have six kids. I am happy to know that in one way or another they are all mine. We have the life I’ve always wanted. It’s not some fairytale. It’s just two people who love and respect each other enough to know that tomorrow will be better than today just because we are together.

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