Me: Don’t you think the kids are old enough to trick or treat with their friends?
Jenny: Yes. If someone kidnapped Larry, the ransom call would be about how much money they’re willing to pay if we’ll take her back.
I will preempt this one by saying, it’s not one of my prouder moments….
Jenny: This is the first time I’ve sat down all day.
Me: If you wanna find sympathy, look between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. You ain’t gonna find it here.
Jenny: (insert a look that almost melted my jaw line) Are you in a bad mood?
Me: (basically I just tried to look incredibly cute and said I was sorry. I then decided to simply go to bed before I said anything else stupid)
Larry: I HATE science!
Jenny: Why? Is it hard?
Larry: No! We have to color a penis!!
Moe: I think I broke my penis. The right tip stings.
Me: Really?! Discretion son, discretion.
Moe: What? Larry had to color a penis in school the other day!
Huey: Do you need plywood?
Me: What? No. We need milk.
Huey: I think they sell that at Home Depot.
(shortly after the lost and confused look left my face, it was explained to me that her new boyfriend works at Home Depot)
Me: does this guy understand the “no sex before marriage rule?”
Huey: Yes! Of course!
Me: Good. Cause I’d hate to tell him you’re not potty trained.
Moe: (as he is standing in the master bedroom with a hand towel barely covering his crotch, dripping on the carpet, he says to the two oldest girls) Do we have any regular towels clean?
Huey AND Louie in unison: MOM!!
Me: I think when these girls finally get a job, we should give them the grocery list and they can pay for a weeks food. Then they’ll understand.
Huey: Fine. We’ll just buy generic stuff!
Louie: Generic? We’ll buy the generic generics. You know. The generic has a few stem pieces on the green beans? Well the generic generics have a few green bean pieces on the stems. It’s all fiber!