Life cycle of the North American lesbian.

DISCLAIMER: This entire post is satirical. So don’t flip out on me!!

With all the talk in the media today about gay marriages, gays raising kids, the whole “immoral” aspect of being a homosexual, I thought I’d share some of MY observations, with regards to gay people. Being a gay people myself, I think I have a unique perspective.

Please keep in mind, some couples are like Jenny and I. They have homes, careers, kids, families and high doses of anti depressants.

We seem to be the exception to the rule. It’s been my experience that MOST lesbian couples fall into one of two categories.

1. The nesters.

The nesters are the typical “U-Haul” lesbians. The scenarios change, but it usually unfolds something like this….
Susan goes out to the local bar with her friends. She meets Karen. It’s love at first sight. They spend the evening chatting, laughing and exchange numbers. At the end of the evening, Karen steals a kiss that makes Susan swoon!!

The next morning they begin a texting quest. Push the “unlimited” package to it’s limits.

They decide to meet that night for drinks and dinner at some trendy, hippy place.

Two hours later, they are both drunk and naked at Susan’s apartment.

They are in love. Yes, it’s only been 22 hours, But feelings like this don’t just happen every day!

They decide its time to cohabitate. (no. It’s probably not a real word, so what?)

The two find the perfect 2 bedroom house for lease in a trendy gay neighborhood. Why 2 bedrooms? For the dogs. You know. The matching adorable pups that they are going to be adopting before the ink has dried on the lease.

Everything is going great for Susan and Karen. Until one morning, Karen leaps out of bed and rushes to the front door. “Baby? What’s wrong?”

“I got a text from Lisa. She’s got a flat and is gonna be late for work.”

Who’s Lisa? Karen’s ex. You know. The one that left Karen to be with Dana. Karens best friend. You know Lisa! The woman that Karen still sends drunk texts to at 3 am telling her what a cheating whore she is.

Ok. That’s something Susan will address. Lisa can change her own tire.

Later that night, Karen comes home to her beautiful, blushing “bride”. Maybe she’s not blushing. Maybe it’s a gin blossom.

See, Susan LOVES tomato juice. With vodka. Hold the tomato juice. How did Karen not see this? I mean they were inseparable for the past 4 days!!

Maybe she is just a little stressed. Ok. Time will fix this.

Let’s fast forward, shall we?

Every 3 days, Susan is changing her relationship status on Facebook. “Married”. “single”. “married”. “it’s complicated”. Do they have a “give it up already” status?? No?? Well, they should.

They are now sleeping in separate rooms. Thank Goodness they were smart enough to get the 2 bedroom.

In 5 months, the lease will be up, they will split custody of the dogs, pack their shit and go their separate ways.

Tomorrow, our lesson plan will be over the “She’s just my friend” lesbians.

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Sex dreams!

Ok. Let’s talk about dreams. More specifically SEX DREAMS!

Jenny and I were both feeling pretty icky today so she stayed home and I left work after a few hours.

When I got back home we both climbed back in to bed and just tried to sleep our crud away.

When we got up, she told me about some dreams that she’d had. They were sweet, sentimental dreams about her mom. I can’t really remember what I dreamt about but I remember waking up feeling peaceful. No nightmares or scary visions. No haunting images of work that isn’t being done in my absence. And no sex dreams!

Before Jenny and I got together, I was a sex dream god! Had them ALL the time. I’d wake up in a feverish sweat and feel AWESOME!

Now that I’m actually involved in a pretty amazing sexual relationship, (hell, if she can talk about our sex life, so can I!)I don’t seem to go to that particular happy place in my dreams very often.

Don’t get me wrong. The real thing is WAAAY better than the dream. (just to interject. Jenny is currently reading a marinated cheese recipe to me. Think she’ll be surprised when she reads this??) But I do have to say, I kinda miss them.

Yes, I have an inordinately high libido. (welcome to a lot more about me than you thought you’d ever know!) I like sex. I went through my “hit it and quit it” phase in my early years after coming out in college. I’ve been in 4 significant relationships in my adult life (counting Jenny) and have realized that a healthy, monogamous sexual relationship is awesome!

But some days, a sex dream just makes waking up a lot more enjoyable.

I imagine it’s like a guy who is married but still feels the need to masturbate from time to time.

What are my dreams about? Funny. They’ve never involved anyone that I know. It’s usually nameless faceless women. There’s nothing kinky or weird. No real “story line”. But there’s that feeling of “AHHH” when I wake up.

Now does this mean I don’t enjoy sex with Jenny? HELL NO (I’m sorry to those of you who know her. Now you’ll have to see her in a whole new light.)

Our sex life is AMAZING! I can honestly say that if one of the nameless faceless women in my sex dreams was her, I’d be perfectly ecstatic about that.

I guess the fact that I’m not having these dreams means that, that part of our relationship is just fine. There’s no need for my subconscious brain to help supplement real life.

Whatever the case, I think about them from time to time and wonder if they are a part of my single days that are gone forever. If so, I’ll be sad. But I’ll learn to live without them.

I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that they will creep in from time to time; when I least expect it and I’ll be forced to wake Jenny up at some odd ball hour of the night just to…. Well, you can figure this one out, I’m sure.

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Who the hell is reading this thing?

Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback from people. I’ve also gotten some of those weird “spammy” ones too. You know. They read something like this…. “I want to say that I enjoy reading you blog. It make me smile each day. I have viagra for half what you pay at you pharmacy.”

Yeah. I’m betting those aren’t really meant for me. After all, I doubt it’s HALF what I’m already paying.

Most of my blogs are done from my phone. Every once in a while I’ll pull out the laptop and post but those occasions are few and far between. One day Jenny was showing me the “stats” on my blog. I’d figured out the number of views, most popular posts, etc. but what I really found interesting was the searches that people did to find themselves reading my blog.

Some are the standards. Txbridgefarmer. Makes sense. It’s also on my facebook page and it’s an email address. So yeah, if someone punched that in, it would bring them here. Another was “kolaches in Wichita Falls” I’m going to assume that someone was hankering for a pig in a blanket and just punched it in. Little did they know they’d end up reading about my morning with Jenny.

The ones that really cause me to question just exactly what people are looking for are the ones that are completely off the wall. For example? “Both had to pee” Now, I knew what post this brought up. I was talking about our camping trip. BUT. What on earth would someone be looking for that typing in the phrase “both had to pee” would take them to their internet destination?

Not sure, but maybe it was this guy?

The next one that caught my attention and made me a little leery? “Tater Texas”. Is this a town? Some tiny little place that is so scenic it doesn’t even show up on any of my keymaps?

And who lives here?

Mr. and Mrs. Nascar? Perhaps. But who am I to judge? Some people don’t have a fork in their family tree. Personally, I’d put a little chlorine into my gene pool, but hey, I’m GAY. I doubt they think that I’m a real winner either.

Jenny Shemp. Whoever you are. Wherever you may be. Someone is looking for you and damnit, they keep getting my blog. So, put up a facebook page, take out an ad on Craigslist or something so these people can locate you and stop getting annoyed when they realize that you aren’t the topic of discussion in my house.

Whoever reads my blog, welcome! I make no claims to be politically correct, polite or promise to not use profanity. (shit, you’ve probably already noticed that one), but you are invited to comment, laugh, push block or otherwise enjoy yourself while you are here. You won’t find any porn (I bet that one shows up next time) or anything that’s going to make you say, “Hey! She’s talking about me”. Unless you are my Asshat boss. In that case? All bets are off.

Today was the day.

A few weeks back I had made a comment that, although I believed that Jenny’s wasband is a good guy, things would get worse before they got better.

Well, today that text came.

He told Jenny, “I won’t let the kids come over to your apartment while you have someone that you’re not married to sleeping in your bed.”

Before you ask; No.  He does not have sole custody of the kids.  They have joint managing conservatorship.  So, legally, he cannot make that decision.

We’ll see what happens.  I’ve been in similar situations before.  They didn’t end well.  But, I’ll keep you posted.

 

Tater Tot? WTF??

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Meet Tator Tot. Yes, I said Tater Tot. Some days Jenny and will wake up and just sit on the couch, surfing the net, watching T.V., drinking coffee in our pajamas.

Today was one of those days. We looked at rings, houses and dogs. Why dogs? My question exactly!

Jenny saw a dog and informed me, “I want a cute little dog and I’m gonna name him Tater Tot. Or Polka Dot. But I like Tater Tot.”

I have a dog. He’s about 8 years old and is a mutt. He’s a rescue dog. His name is Riley. Simple, easy to remember and best of all I don’t feel like an idiot when I yell off the back porch for him.

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That’s Riley. He’s a DOG. Not a toy or accessory. Not a food. A dog. A companion. He’s always happy to see me. He understands that he isn’t my equal. He is given free reign of the house but knows that I get to eat first, sit wherever I want and will put my needs ahead of his. In exchange for his loyalty and devotion he is fed well, loved on frequently and never neglected or mistreated. (ok. I’d never mistreat any animal. But he does get a special day where he gets to go to the groomers to get his nails trimmed and a special bath and at the end I let him walk through the store and pick out his own toy)

The idea of having a dog that is none of those things seems almost ridiculous to me. The dog she wants is a fashion statement. And probably something that would take over my side of the bed. And THAT is not acceptable.

I can see me, walking down the street after dark, bedazzled leash in hand, yelling, “TATER TOT” at the top of my lungs because he/she has gotten loose. I’d rather be “that crazy cat lady” than be known as “the crazy Tot lady”

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Yes, I would do it. Why? Because I would want my Jenny to be happy. And if she lost her beloved Tator Tot to a pack of juvenile delinquents, she would be devastated.

I offered other names as an alternative. Frick? Maybe Frack? If it has to be a food, why not snickerdoodle? Or cashew? Maybe a tougher name for a petite little thing would help his ‘rep’ among other neighborhood pets. Bruno? Or Zeus?

When she stated “I’m not picky at all” while we were looking at rings, then boldly began shooting down each one I suggested, I should have known that a conversation about a beloved companion would end with me feeling like an oaf.

I hate to see which house I’ll be getting her.

New traditions and old friends.

Thanksgiving means different things to different people. But for most, it’s a chance to stuff ourselves, watch football, and spend at least one day with our family and friends. Some of them, we only see on Thanksgiving because they are a pain in our ass, but we love them anyways.

Luckily, I don’t have anyone at my dinner table that I wouldn’t be thrilled to see on every day of the year.

So, let me walk you through our holiday…

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The customary crab boil the night before. Yes, we began our gluttony a day early.

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My beautiful bride-to-be decked out in her finest, “I’m cooking, stay out of the damn kitchen, you need to buy me a bigger house!” outfit

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Shemp with his exaggerated food baby.

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And on day two (Thanksgiving day) my beautiful girl baked and cooked and cleaned. I finally nagged her enough that she sat out on the porch with us and had a daiquiri while the turkey finished up.

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This is the final result of all her hard work. Yes, 5 people will be consuming this feast.

Turkey, ham, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, broccoli cheese casserole, cranberry sauce, rolls, deviled eggs and 4 different pies. Not to mention the appetizers.

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After an amazing meal we all slip into a turkey coma.

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Once we get up, we start the debris removal.

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Ta Da! No evidence that a holiday ever occurred. Pretty impressive!

Now, I’m watching Aggies VS UT with Jenny catching up on her blogs. Shemp and Louie are with the pigs at the barn.

It’s been an awesome day! By the way, we are going to Cabela’s at 5 am to see if we can win a gun. Lol